I’m usually a calm, peaceful person. The sort of person who graciously lets other cars go first at a stop light and offers the last doughnut to whoever is around.
But there are certain things in life that can push even the sweetest human being to their limits.
Like being repeatedly woken up from a good night’s slumber to the buzzing sound of a rude mosquito who – as soon as you’re awake and swatting – disappears off into the darkness only to do it again just as you’re drifting back into sleep.
A few rounds of this is enough to fill any human being with homicidal rage. ‘Cause at this point – it’s not even about the biting, it’s the taunting that makes you want to slay this twit.
So what can you do about it? Especially if the little blood sucker has been trained in mosquito military intelligence and knows just how to stay out of sight. No landing on white walls for this smartypants. F*cker.
At this point, you really have 3 options: The first is to admit defeat, shove some earplugs in and go back to sleep. Once it’s had its fill, it’ll stop biting you – of course, mosquitoes can drink up to three times its weight in blood so expect to wake up to a bevy of bites.
The second option is to switch the fan on and aim it directly toward you. Mosquitoes aren’t strong flyers so the air current should be sufficient to keep it away. The downside is that you’re not particularly comfortable, either.
Or you can just catch and kill it.
The last option, you say? Good, here’s how you catch him.
How to attract mosquitoes and kill them (the low-tech version)
1. Turn on a night lamp or your phone – you need just enough light to see in front of your face and torso. It’s best if it’s an incandescent light as it’ll be drawn to it.
2. While you wait and watch, breathe heavily, generously distributing all your CO2 into the space around you. Mosquitoes are attracted to CO2 so this may be enough to tempt him.
If you’re waiting for ages, already awake and the cautious little bugger isn’t taking a shot, get up and do a few jumping jacks. These jerks are attracted to heat and sweat as well and the combination of CO2, heat and sweat you’ll be emitting may be too much for even the most timid mosquito to resist.
Get back in bed and wait.
3. When it comes to feast, strike with all the vengeance you’ve got and clap your hands as many times as possible until it is dead. Gloat. Finis.
As easy as this is, there’s an even easier solution – and it comes without the mess.
How to attract mosquitoes and kill them with a bug zapper
If you don’t have one already – do yourself a favor and get a mosquito zapper. Not only will it improve your backswing, it is an unexpectedly fun way to get rid of mosquitoes. And you don’t even have to wash your hands or wipe mosquito guts off your wall afterwards – the zapper reduces them to ashes.
All you have to do is move slowly, scanning your room for signs of mosquito. Once it’s in flight, swing the zapper slowly but surely over the mosquito until you hear a satisfying, albeit tiny, crackling sound. Finis.
Now all you have to do is stop looking for more mosquitoes to kill. Seriously. Told you it’d be fun.
How to not have mosquitoes in your room
As entertaining as the above nighttime adventures might be – wouldn’t it be better to not have to deal with mosquitoes at all?
What could your nights be like without having to lure and slaughter mosquitoes? Perhaps you’d finally get some deep REM sleep, allowing you to wake up feeling refreshed and well-rested. Perhaps that newfound energy will result in a sharper, clearer mind and the lack of under-eye bags. Before you know it, you have a promotion and a new girlfriend.
And all because you had the luxury of mosquito-free nights.
As you can see, mosquito-free nights can be life-changing and the easiest way to accomplish this is by getting a bug zapper for your room.
It’s got UV lights that seduce mosquitoes (and other flying annoyances) and then zaps them. You don’t need to wear chemicals, sleep with the fan on or resort to nightly track-and-kills.
It’s hands down the easiest way to kill mosquitoes – without having to do it yourself. Get one.